On the third episode of the Joy Superpowers series, we had the honor of hosting Daman Philip- a certified senior professional Relationship coach and founder & CEO of The Life Experts. Daman helps individuals and couples in transforming their deteriorating relationships into happy and harmonious ones through identifying and manifesting their highest potential as well as changing their stories by overcoming self-limiting beliefs. Here are some key messages from the interesting episode regarding resolving conflicts in partner relationships.
The Importance and key to a healthy relationship
Inspired by her real-life experience as a young woman having to go through a divorce, Daman used her strength and resilience, decided to turn her pain into her life passion, and found her life mission and purpose- to help people to manifest their strongest potential and be happy. „Every person is whole, creative, and resourceful. It´s like watching a baby bird leave the nest and see them flying”
A good relationship is a wonderful antidepressant. The importance of a relationship is to feel happy, stress-free, enjoying each other´s company, and that is only possible when it is built on a great foundation, consisting of compromises, trust, respect, loyalty, and love. A strong foundation is the key. Furthermore, it is not about adopting a partner´s interests and sacrificing own needs, foundation means having shared core values and goals.
As Daman explains: „Relationships are not about two people looking at each other, but two people looking in the same direction.”
However,…the very basic rule even before getting into a relationship is to be sure you fully understand, respect, and value yourself. Why? Because relationship requires understanding, and how can you understand your partner if you do not understand yourself? Therefore, the most important relationship is the one with ourselves. Once you are aware of yourself, only then you can try to be the spouse you want to have.
What is conflict? What is a problem?
Conflict can occur in a form of disagreement that arises between 2 people when experiencing a clash of interest or incompatibility between each other. Further reasons include intimacy and trust issues, communication breakdown, or finances. A problem, on the other hand, is stand-alone isolation that eventually emerges from an unwillingness to resolve conflicts. Conflict does not have to emerge into a problem as long as handled properly and the people involved recognize the incompatibilities and work to solve them out. Unfortunately, this is not a common case.
Conflict-resolution
Daman purely believes that there aren´t any bad relationships, only a lack of strategies tools, and techniques. Just like anything worthwhile in life, having and maintaining a happy relationship only requires a set of skills, which unfortunately aren´t taught in any school. Interestingly, this can apply to many other areas in life that are not covered by the school syllabus.
EXCEPTION: The only time when Daman sees clear breakups without any point of resolution is a case of abuse, involvement of drugs, or repeated cheating.
Although each strategy is customized to each individual and the issue they are going through, Daman mentions some general tools to follow during the conflict-resolution process:
- Identification of the root cause of the conflict + addressing the issue directly without blaming the partner.
- Avoid 2 words: NEVER and ALWAYS
- Listen to your partner and don´t raise too many complaints you raise, no one will actually get what you discussed
- Timing!!! The way you begin the discussion has significant impact on the outcome (1st 3 minutes are most important)
- One problem at a time, that’s how you avoid negativity before all the problems gather and you cant process it anymore
Conflict styles in gender: stereotypes?
We were curious and wanted to know whether the common stereotype of women being more active in engagement and resolution of the conflict while men adopting the withdrawal attitude, is true.
Daman carefully explained that it´s in the nature of men being more direct, asserted, and goal-oriented, and therefore if conflicts don’t get resolved in time, which usually they don´t, they become frustrated. On the other hand, women tend to compromise more easily and connect more to the emotional memory as they remember patterns when there’s a conflict. To sum it up, men need their space as they tend to look at conflict in isolation (let´s bring it up, discuss it, finish at and go for a beer), while women are not done with it, willing to discuss it as much as possible.
In simple words, Daman concludes: „Maintaining your sense of self in a relationship and understanding your partner is the key to survival of relationships”.
What is your experience in coping with conflicts with your partner?
Share your comments down below or on social media using the hashtag #joysuperpowers. In case you missed the episode, you can go listen to it here.
